i win.

status checks. i told you i’d call, but i will be a little late, and i didn’t want to catch you sleeping. so i sent you a text asking when you’ll be hitting the hay. hitting the hay, i believe, means going to bed. you did not reply.

so you were busy and forgot. plausible.

then i called you, as promised. its been 45 minutes, no hint of you. i’ll text you one last time before i hit the hay.

the plan to keep trying for a couple of times, and then stop. if you are least bothered, fine then. its 85% likely that you will lose either way.

out of credit

my last words were, something along the lines of, just try to have fun and things will sort themselves out. don’t worry too much about it, its not the end of the world. so have fun, and enjoy what you are doing. that will do.

but that doesn’t mean you get to engrossed in “fun” fun, and forget what your true objective is. you need to have fun, and enjoy, not just randomly, but while you are doing what you are doing. if you enjoy what you are doing, and feel the need to get better and better, you’ll get there.

but if you don’t like what you are doing, and doing it just for the sake of it, (because someone asked you to, or you get benefits), you’ll never be as good.

so first you need to feel the need to excel at something you like doing. if you enjoy it, you are more likely to eradicate your “mental block” (eg. im no good, i just can’t, its impossible! etc. etc.) or never feel a mental block in the first place.

be yourself. be original.

resolve

overcome the monster, embrace the light, and laugh at the face of adversaries, only to strike them with bravery, might and whole lot of fun.

while that forms a great resolve, i have something even better. but the limitations of human vocabulary do not allow me to communicate this to you, and if when i try, it will cause discrepancies, and errors in transmission

the last bit kind of reminded me of sth i’m compelled to write. i <3 melancholy of haruhi suzumiya. one of the best animes i’v seen come out this/last year. the story seems very simple, and the airing schedule will confuse a simpleton, but it’s deep and loads of fun. to have given rise to “haruhi-ism”, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, is indeed something, and is definitely worth checking out. Consider another fact, they re-released the older episodes again this year, with 1 or 2 new eps i think, and its still a Big Hit. there has to be something in that anime. <3 nagato

well that’s that. i had food poisoning; wonder what i ate. on the first day, they barged (out); second, they banged; today, they’r still knocking. to the wonderful people who invited me to eat outside, i shall get back to thee as soon as my stomach finishes punishing me.

system failure

at the sight of you, i stop thinking straight. my parallel processing crumbles. i don’t know what i should do next, what i should do now, or what i should be doing. nothing makes sense. i might as well blurt out “sheringapoting” because i’m completely cluless, like a little child dropped in the middle of a stock exchange – so overwhelmed with the volume of useless information, or maybe useful i dont know -

well how am i supposed to know, i just had a system failure!

rerouting all my power to my secondary fail safe measures, im only barely able to escape this ..what do i call it, “phenomenon”? relying on instincts alone, without any thought of consequences, or strategic planning, how do i get out of those situations, i really have no idea. only later after i recover, i hide my face in a hole, coming up with ways in which i can avert the already struck disaster. futile, really.

i’m kind of confused now; running amock like a crazy toon whose head is on fire. i know i’ll recover in the next few minutes. but that’s besides the point.

what really worries and troubles me, is that how, can i possibly stop these recurring system failures at the very sight of you? i wont run away, so i have no choice but to face you head on. if only my instincts work, i’ll train them. next time, it shall be different~

the air

i sat there.
looked around me.
what did i see?
a colorless TV.

i saw a pretty flower. black and blue. i saw a big green monster; in silvery diapers. i saw a purple tree. it bore a bronze fruit. but i did not see colors.

what was i searching for? i will not think for a moment that they actually had colors. i resent that line of thought. i refuse to go down to their level. i refuse to be a waste product awaiting recycle. i refuse to give in to what they have given into. for if i accept for whatever period of time, for whatever reasons, i shall convineantly fall into the clutches of this system. i resent the system.

having forced to breathe the same air as them, i have realized, its not the air. its something much more sinister, and has deeper roots than what is obvious.

gwahhh~ such a bother

the bubbles

i’d like to paint a picture of you:
on a hilltop with lots of birds
down underneath the ocean bed
with a flock of birds soaring in the autumn sky
like cherry blossoms
and branches that sway
the moon that smiles
under the rainclouds
like a star in the sky
and the days rolled by
we climb the mountains
sail the oceans
reach the stars
for all that matters.

the pearl and the shell

They say pride kills. I didn’t die yet, but I’ve had my share of negative things pride has to bring. So I’ll try not to bash my drums too hard as I’m writing this autobiography, and let the reader decide for himself who I really am. Different people will react differently and form their own opinions of me. Some may say I’m arrogant, and some even may imagine me being overly modest. Some may conclude that I’m still a child, and some may find me overly mature. Different people will react different, because they are different; everyone is, I am. At least, that’s what I’d like to believe.

Today is not yesterday, and it’s definitely not the day after. Tomorrow is a different day, and how it’ll be, somewhat rests in the palm of our hands. Today passes by too fast to do anything significant, so we always look forward to tomorrow. No use pondering over the past; we won’t get a second chance at it anyway. Thus I always look forward to tomorrow, the future; that’s what keeps me striving for what I believe in, something obviously better. Without that sense of purpose, I’m as good as a turtle in the desert. But that doesn’t mean yesterday was a waste. Yesterday is just as good to today, as today is to tomorrow. If not for the things yesterday, today would probably be a different day; and no matter how much I look forward to tomorrow, yesterday makes me who I am.

i love you.

he will always tell you how much he loves you more than the guy who loved you before him. every new guy that you’ll see, will tell you how they love you in further more different ways. they’ll pick on the details, a little more than the guy before him. ways and things you could never thought possible. i too, will.

Yuck~

Tariqul: Hey!!!hw u doing??u knw wt ur profyl got ma attention!!u seem very cool to me!!i wan to be ur frnd?>??wut do u say!!!?until l8r.

????????: YUkkkkkkkkk!!!

maybe if his english was better, the yuck would have been a little less prolonged, with a few less “k”-s.

sorry to ???????? for sharing this with the few who read this, i found this to be most amusing

over a thousand nights

over a thousand nights, thats approximately 2 years and 9 months.

I want to be loved, but you don’t seem to want to love me; I wonder with that repetition. Eventually, I found an answer; that even if I’m scared, even if I’m hurt, I want to say “I love you” to you, I love. Do you love me or not, for things like that it’s already fine either way, for no matter how hard I wish, there are simply too many unchangeable things in this world, right? The fact I love you, is the truth that no one can change.

Passing through these thousand nights, I want to tell you, there’s something I have to tell you; I want to be loved, but you don’t seem to love me. I wander within that repetition. I found a single answer; even scared, and even hurt, I want to be able to say “I love you” to the person I love. Putting my feelings into words is scary, but I won’t ever give up on saying I love you, to you I love.

I can’t express in words the joy of meeting you in this big world. So we smile, singing of the autumn that passes by in vivid colors with a do-re-mi. We turn our backs on the winter, waiting for the sunlight to stream through the trees in spring, and are reborn again anew, so that we can protect someone.

When I looked back on the path that I came down, and my destination, I would always do it with timid eyes. I want to face you, but I can’t be honest; me who repeatedly went through days of not being able to love honestly, and hated being alone on that day, seems to have learned to love people in a flawless way.

Even if those feelings don’t come true, I can tell the person I love, “I love you” – and that’s the most wonderful thing in the world.