passerby in pain

** continuation of On the beach, benign severance **

he always believed in the past, that it was his past that brought him here. after all, it was his decision in the recent past that he ended up on the beach this starlit night. it was his past that made him the man he was. but he never bothered. to him, it was just there, sitting, idle, a part of him he couldn’t and probably didnt want to get rid of. unlike many, he did not use his past to cover up for whatever he had lacked, or still does lack. but like every mortal, he still wants to. its innate of humans to blame all of his on someone else, makes him feel complete/successful at times. the sea breeze kicked up as he thought about this rather old theory of his. he had said to himself a long a time ago, a promise of some sort rather, that if it really were his fault, he would gladly take the blame. and even it was someone else who had did wrong, he would still find a way to blame himself. and pretty soon he was blaming himself for every itsy bitsy thing that went wrong. but it was then, and this is now.

not many saw eye to eye with him and his views, but there were a few, a small bunch of people he once knew, in the distant past. as much as he’d like to go back to them, he didnt want to. there were some things in his past that would best be forgotten, he consoled himself. and everytime he would miss a special one of them too much, he would pick up his cell phone and dial her number, all but the last digit. and he would wait. wait patiently for the phone to disconnect. and he would try, again and again, without the missing digit. why he did this, he did not know. but he always believed in his heart that he was sort of retarded, but could never get anyone to agree with him. maybe he believed that the phone would magically connect somehow, and the missing digit would take care of itself. or maybe, he just needed some more time figuring out another crazy explanation for his confused acts. but every single time, the day would end with him smiling quietly to himself. life wasn’t magical, and it sure is no fairy tale, or built out of some hollywood movie for that matter. life was harsh and cruel. and he did nothing about it.

lesson b: you dont always get what you want, mostly because what you want doesnt want you.

on the beach, benign severance

** excavated from my Yahoo! 360 page, Tuesday July 18, 2006 – 02:01pm (PDT) **

he lay still on the hood as he gazed at the stars. its been a while since he’s been to the sea. he wanted to savour the moment, clear his head, nd just stare, up into the sky, nd maybe get lost in the myopia. it was only there, by the sea, where the blinding city lights would not intrude. but we all get bored easily enough, and he for one didnt ever like monotony. soon his self began to wonder the heaveans, and plummage through all his heart had ever held within itself. and he laughed, smiled rather, to himself. he didnt want to wake up the stars you see. what an irony, there was he once, who firmly believed he lacked a heart, and the remnants of a heart he probably had once is just another organ (vital one) to pump blood to his brain, his most cherised asset after all he could call his own, his mind. and now there he lay, in this present day, connecting to his heart. he wondered, could it have been the city lights? could it have been that for those neon and xeon lights, he couldnt see his stars? because after all, the stars may light up the sky, but he still needs the electric lamp to light up his room. he smirked. how silly of him, he thought.